Twelve Days of Firefly
by Come Lady Death
Summary: The twelve days of Christmas, Firefly style.
1. Twelve Drummers Drumming

"I like to play the drums," the priest told them. "If you want, I can-"

"No, no drums!" Book headed him off. The shepherd turned to the crew he'd brought into the abbey and explained: "The brothers can't afford bells, so they use drums to announce services. The blessed father gets a little...over-enthusiastic."

A monk ran up and whispered in the father's ear. The priest beamed happily. "If you'll excuse me, Shepherd. It's time to drum vespers."

Book and the crew clapped their hands over their ears just before the drums began to thunder so hard the foundations shook.


	2. Eleven Pipers Piping

"No."

"But, Captain-"

"Absolutely not."

"Please?"

"No."

"Pretty please?"

"We don't need another mouth to feed. Among other things."

"Eleven pipers! Why do they need eleven pipers? I'm sure they wouldn't miss just one. I'll bet they don't eat much of anything, and I'll keep him quiet, you'll never even know he's there."

"Kaylee, stop it. You can't have a piper."

"I'll pipe for you anytime, little Kaylee."

"Jayne..."

"Ow! Gorram... She slapped me!"

"He had it coming."

"Cut it out, kids. Do I have to turn this job around? Kaylee, go play with Simon and leave the pipers alone."


	3. Ten Lords A Leaping

"Leap!" Simon cried out, clapping a hand to his forehead. "It's one two leap, and Jayne doesn't lead, he follows like a girl."

Wash snickered. Jayne did not. Mal snatched him back before he could attack. Simon was trying to teach them to dance so they wouldn't blow their cover on the next job. So far, it was not going well.

"One two leap, you're still doing it wrong! One two leap, one two leap. Jayne can hit me all day, because he punches like a what?"

"A girl," Wash choked out between gales of laughter.

Jayne was not amused.


	4. Nine Ladies Dancing

River and Kaylee danced around the galley hand-in-hand. "One two three, one two three, one two three, one two three," River sang rhythymically, leading Kaylee in a waltz. Zoe sat at the table watching them, smiling a little as Kaylee tripped over River's feet.

Inara walked through and Zoe commented, "They never let me dance!"

Inara smiled. "I can fix that." She bowed to the mate and held out her hand. "May I have this dance, Mrs. Washburne?"

Inara and Zoe joined Kaylee and River in swishing around the kitchen, laughing to each other at the sight they must make.


	5. Eight Maids A Milking

"You promised no more cows," Inara reminded him. "That's eight cows, can't you count?"

"Beagles," Wash put in. "I said beagles."

Mal waved his hands helplessly at the cargo hold, where the cattle in question were milling around. "A job is a job! We need the money."

Kaylee planted her hands on her hips, but only looked cute, not dangerous. "These are _dairy_ cows. Who's going to milk them?"

Mal glanced down worriedly at the cows. When he looked back, the room was empty. "I'm not doing it all by myself!" But there was not a soul to be seen.


	6. Seven Swans A Swimming

"HONK!"

"Shut up," Mal barked back. The swan took no notice. It ruffled its wings and settled in more firmly against the captain's side.

"Lighten up, sir, it's just a bird," Zoe admonished. She was holding a feathered friend of her own and was getting along rather well with it.

"Ruttin' stupid bird!" Jayne squawked as one of the two swans he was carrying nipped him on the ear.

"Cute, though," Wash put in from where he sat. The pilot had three of the elegant birds gathered around him, all making small noises of contentment.

"You're all insane," Mal muttered.


	7. Six Geese A Laying

The cargo consisted of six geese, all sitting on nests. Their client had said that they were about to lay and River Tam seemed intent on playing midwife to the forthcoming eggs. She spent every day talking to them and singing to them, waiting.

She petted one of the geese and spoke to it quietly. "Kaylee says you're missing something you forgot. 'And should think freedom more to prize, than all the gold in world that is.'"

Passing by, Jayne predictably heard only one word out of fifteen. "Gold? No one said these were golden geese! I want one!"


	8. Five Golden Rings

Mal passed out the small square boxes to each of the men. They stood in a silent circle, staring at the boxes.

"Well," Mal said finally. "There comes a time in a man's life when he has to swallow his pride and do what's got to be done."

"All good things must come to an end," Simon quoted solemnly and they all nodded in agreement.

"I still don't see what you expect me to do with a ring," the Shepherd asked curiously.

"Keep it, Shepherd," Mal instructed him. "Keep it and thank God you'll never do what we're about to."


	9. Four Birds Of Some Sort

"Collie!" Simon shouted. "Calling is simply a corruption of the original-"

"I don't care," Kaylee yelled over him. "We always sang calling growing up, it's calling!"

"Collie!"

"Calling!"

"Collie!"

"Calling!"

The others of the crew, who had been watching in silence, slowly started taking sides in their fight. Inara and Book argued for Simon and Wash and Zoe pulled for Kaylee. Voices overlapped and rose until the entire cargo bay was echoing with the words.

"Collie!"

"Calling!"

"Oh for the love of all that's holy!" Mal finally hollered in exasperation, startling them all into silence. "It's just a stupid song!"


	10. Three French Hens

"Oh, a Companion? That's so... nice," Lady Alix-Josephine Dupre said with a forced smile.

Marchioness Louise-Therese Blanchard swallowed back a concerned tsk with obvious effort and patted Inara's arm. "And traveling with those unschooled ruffians, I can't imagine how that must be for you."

"Have you ever thought," Baroness Anne Loisel asked condescendingly, "about settling down with a nice young man on one of the Core planets? I happened to know a very eligible young duke who I'm sure wouldn't think at all of your... career."

Through it all, Inara Serra gritted her teeth and smiled and smiled and smiled.


	11. Two Turtledoves

"It's downright disturbing is what it is."

Wash followed Jayne's pointed look over to Kaylee and Simon. The pair were sitting together in the galley, eating off each others' plates and giggling to themselves. Wash looked back at Jayne in time to see the mercenary make a disgusted face.

"Like a gorram pair of turtledoves," he groused, picking up and munching on Wash's biscuit. "Makes a body sick to watch." He shuddered dramatically and stalked out, grumbling about the PDA in the kitchen.

"Well, I think they're adorable," Wash commented to no one in particular. No one was listening anyway.


	12. And A Partridge In A Pear Tree

_Serenity_ is abnormal. Okay, more than abnormal: _Serenity_ is straight up strange. A _Firefly_-class starship with a misfit crew of nine, soldiers of fortune and good people.

The captain is a former soldier with a strange sense of honor and the first mate is a warrior woman of the highest caliber. The engineer is perpetually bubbly and cheerful and the pilot acts like a crazy kid. They carry as passengers a crazy kid that makes the pilot look sane and her gentleman doctor brother. A brutish mercenary, a mysterious preacher, a lady prostitute...

And a partridge in a pear tree.


End file.
